That Time I Thought I Was a Bad Mom

For a while (like the first 3 years of her life) I thought I was a bad mom. We didn’t have money to put my daughter in daycare while I worked on my business(es). She came with me to my baby store I owned when she was 2 weeks old. No other options. Even if I went back to work I would be making around minimum wage, just enough to pay for daycare. That wasn’t good enough for me. So she was just always with me.

When I closed the store she was 4m old and we switched to working at home. I said to a friend once, “I just feel like such a shitty mom. I can’t not work when I have her because at night I am just too tired to actually work and have it be meaningful. I feel like I’m ignoring her.” And she told me that even the fact that I was feeling these emotions made me a great mom. I wasn’t ignoring her, I was taking care of her while taking care of myself. Who doesn’t want to see, and be raised by, a mom who knows the importance of that? She was able to see someone making something out of nothing. Creating, contributing, making a difference. Following her passion.

My little is almost 5 now. She’s heading to kindergarten in the fall. Recently, I squeezed her hard and tickled her and I told her, “No, no, no, don’t go to kindergarten I will miss you too much.” And she said to me, “It’s ok mommy, I’ll still be your best friend.” I must be doing something right.